The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson & Johnson No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. - Jack Handey
These animal crackers are bogus! This elephant tastes exactly like the giraffe did!
There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate...
I've always wanted to walk up to a stranger, hand him a briefcase and whisper, "You know what to do." and walk away.
I wonder if the clothes in China say "Made around the corner..."
I wish there was a pen that could copy and paste...
I wonder if Dora's parents know that she runs around with a naked talking monkey who never assists her when she is about to get mugged by a naked talking fox.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
Me? Behave? Seriously!! Growing up I have seen Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe & had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance & Shaggy and Scooby-doo were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. The fault is not mine!
The truth about Chicago and temperatures… 60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats. Folks from Chicago sunbathe. 50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Folks from Chicago plant gardens. 40 above - Italian cars won't start. Folks from Chicago drive with the windows down. 32 above - Distilled water freezes. Lake Michigan's water gets thicker. 20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Folks from Chicago have the last cookout before it gets cold. 15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Folks from Chicago throw on a sweatshirt. 0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico. Folks from Chicago lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt. 20 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Folks from Chicago get out their winter coats. 40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door. 60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes. Folks from Chicago rent some videos. 100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Folks from Chicago get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. 200 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Folks from Chicago start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??" 500 below - Hell freezes over. The Chicago Cubs win the World Series OR the Bears win the Super Bowl! (both of which are true so I guess it's possible that hell could freeze over!
I have learned from watching crime dramas on TV that when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn't it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
I don't know which is worse... Sleeping in a tent in front of Best Buy so you can be the first in line, or tricking an entire nation into thinking there's something inside Best Buy that is worth sleeping in a tent for!
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can't someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn't been seen since the study was conducted.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I was just told I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.
I went to a vegan restaurant once... Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Everyone says they like people who are 'funny and spontaneous', yet when I tap on the their kitchen windows uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming.