Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, uh oh, I could be eating a slow learner...
My parents spanked me as a child. As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as "Respect for Others!"
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
Balloons are so weird. "Happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very easy-to-hike mountain and no one went to check.
I wish there was a rollover plan for all the childhood naps I refused...
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
I have a condition which prevents me from going on a diet…it’s called hunger.
I would like to join whatever weight loss program my wallet is on because its working wonders!
I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
When I was a kid, my social network was called "outside."
The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to try to make a living under the laws they've passed.
As a kid, I was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electric bill!
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
I like when Google answers my stupid questions because it means I'm not the only one asking Google stupid questions.
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on Facebook!
Whoever said nothing is impossible...Never tried to staple water to a tree.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from America and find out it was made in China...
If you think you're having a bad day, just remember, somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom!
Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back...So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.
Quit posting all your problems on Facebook! It’s better to find solutions for them on Google!
Scientists say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
If I was stranded on a desert island and I could only bring one thing, I would bring Dora. That girl has everything in that backpack!
I've always wondered why it's called a walkie talkie, yet a vacuum isn't called a pushy sucky?
Never in my life have I seen a tombstone that read: Died for not forwarding that e-mail to 10 people.
One day I might just change all of my passwords to 'teenagers' since nobody can seem to figure them out.
Want to freak out your neighbors? Name your Wifi "FBI Surveillance Van."
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes!
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
If Snapple comes from the best stuff on earth, then our planet really sucks.
Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great new scent. It's called New Car Interior.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Everyone hits a brick wall now and then, the trick is not to do it with your head.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Hospitality is the art of making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.