With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
I love how in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is going to say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"
If you’re having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a juice box!
I changed Siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to home improvement and auto parts stores!
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw...
Due to the ever increasing price of food, the 3 second rule has now been increased to 6 seconds.
I would like to think that I'll die heroic death saving someone's life but it's more likely I'll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Being an Operations Manager is easy! It's like riding a bike... except the bike is on fire, you're on fire, everything is on fire, and you're in hell...
We harvested a tomato today! It's bound to be good considering the $43.29 we invested to plant and water it!
I'm first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over myself...
It's funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I'm going to say stop.
I wanna steal a doughnut truck and go on a high speed chase because I think it'll be funny watching a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck on the news.
I don't understand banks... Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with my money, you really should trust me with your pens!
Girls are like phones. They love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
It's absolutely amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet for some reason are unable to understand how to use the lawn mower, snow blower and vacuum cleaner.
Dear shaving commercials... Please stop shaving hairless legs and faces. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
The amount of time it takes for a minute to go by is proportionally dependent on the distance to the bathroom door.
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to curse like a sailor? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Multiple choice test: A, B, C, or D? "Well, I haven't had a B for like 4 questions, so I'll chose that!"
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Fish out of water is a strange phrase because it's almost never used to describe someone dying.
If you want a cure from taking selfies, just take a photo of what you look like taking selfies.
Pearl of Wisdom: Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's MUCH more comfortable crying in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example, Justin Bieber is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe!
Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
I'll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where's my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece! I believe in you!
Am I the only one who thinks the Pringles guy and the Monopoly guy are related?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I don't even care if it's a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day!
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school, I was SO smart that my teacher was in my class for five years!
Why is that dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyway?
It's really easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're the ones in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?