The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It's about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you're lying becomes less important.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it…
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
It's OK to talk to yourself. It's even OK to answer yourself. But when you ask yourself to repeat what you just said, you have a problem!
The hardest part about becoming vegan is having to wake up at 5:00am to milk the almonds.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
There are times, when I actually AM hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran, I can't tell anyone without sounding like a complete and total idiot!
Quitting Facebook is the new, adult version of running away from home. We all know you're doing it for attention and we all know that you'll be right back!
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember... Don't sing!
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad!
One of my new year's resolutions is to not stress so much. When you're stressed, you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets. Why? Because stress spelled backward is desserts!
Some people are more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles!
He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so you really need to change your Facebook privacy settings! Merry Christmas all!
I wonder how SeaWorld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole…
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way too much TV... So I turned on the subtitles.
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
R2D2 is the most vulgar movie character of all time. They beeped out every single word he ever said.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what…
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighborhood?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERE’S ONE."
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs?
Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's "I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Dear sneeze, if you're gonna happen, happen! Don't put a stupid look on my face and leave!
I don't understand the saying "you snooze you lose." I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and I feel like a champion!
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you…
Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can't they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should really stop eating cameras!
I'm lying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline".
Don't yell at your kids. Just lean in and whisper. It's MUCH SCARIER!
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise!
Auto-correct has got to be my worst enema…
An apple a day will keep ANYONE away if thrown hard enough!
I’ve decided I no longer want to be an adult… If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my blanket fort, coloring.
Karma is like a rubber band. You can only stretch it so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Teach your kids about taxes… Eat 30% of their ice cream!
Why do we feel so safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking "I'm gonna kill... O crap! He's under a blanket!”
If A-B-C-D didn't drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn't have to be so rushed.
I'm not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said “100% Recycled.”
The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence. EAT BACON!
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch!
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I'll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, wet your pants, and cried for your mommy.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages.