{"id":6673,"date":"2017-06-17T12:41:13","date_gmt":"2017-06-17T12:41:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/site\/?page_id=6673"},"modified":"2017-06-19T12:35:54","modified_gmt":"2017-06-19T12:35:54","slug":"facebook-volume-4","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/home-3\/quote-corner\/facebook-humor\/facebook-volume-4\/","title":{"rendered":"Facebook Volume 4"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Hunting is less challenging for vegans because it\u2019s much easier to sneak up on plants.<\/p>\n

I was riding a horse yesterday & got thrown off. I thought I was going to die. Thank goodness the Wal-Mart greeter saw what happened & ran over to unplug it...<\/p>\n

If shampoo = fake + excrement, how in the world do you get your hair clean?<\/p>\n

To all the people who don't think they need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?<\/p>\n

When I have grandkids, I'm going to show them the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that!<\/p>\n

Respect your parents. They made it through high school without Google or Wikipedia.<\/p>\n

Whew! Thank you, warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower!<\/p>\n

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.<\/p>\n

Man, just think of how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas!<\/p>\n

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.<\/p>\n

You call it beef jerky. I prefer the term \"cow raisins\"<\/p>\n

I\u2019m still kind of ticked-off that they never, ever did tell us how to get to Sesame Street.<\/p>\n

Sometimes it\u2019s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.<\/p>\n

Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply ChapStick.<\/p>\n

If you're feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.<\/p>\n

I hate it when you can\u2019t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or in your non-dominant hand.<\/p>\n

If you play a Ke$ha song backwards, you hear messages from Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you hear Ke$ha.<\/p>\n

Today I sent out a text saying, \"Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?\" 12 people called me...I need smarter friends.<\/p>\n

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?<\/p>\n

I've never seen a tombstone that read: \"Died from not forwarding that e-mail to ten people.\"<\/p>\n

If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.<\/p>\n

Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called \"fun sized\" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.<\/p>\n

It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, \"I love you\" and they're like, \"Thank you for choosing Domino's.\"<\/p>\n

What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or \"All About That Bass?\"<\/p>\n

20 years from now, some adults are going to say they that grew up in the \u201cbad part of town,\u201d meaning there was no 4G in that area.<\/p>\n

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn't yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance.<\/p>\n

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted... \"Help, I'm in prison!\" everyone would be like \"Haha good one!\"<\/p>\n

And all this time I thought Ariana Grande was a drink at Starbucks...<\/p>\n

I used to question how much information was too much information. I then joined Facebook, and it's much clearer now!<\/p>\n

My retirement plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.<\/p>\n

Do people who run voluntarily know that we're not food anymore?<\/p>\n

We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser.<\/p>\n

If you want to ruin a song forever, use it for your alarm.<\/p>\n

Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I\u2019m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.<\/p>\n

As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called \u201cIdentity Theft.\u201d<\/p>\n

I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.<\/p>\n

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.<\/p>\n

Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can't help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...<\/p>\n

Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.<\/p>\n

I wonder how long I\u2019d be on hold if my call wasn\u2019t important to them...<\/p>\n

Why is there a show called \"When Animals Attack\"? It should be called \"When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.\"<\/p>\n

Facebook should have a limit on how many times a relationship status can be changed... After 3 times, it should default to UNSTABLE!<\/p>\n

You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there\u2019s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.<\/p>\n

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs.<\/p>\n

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind you.<\/p>\n

Why do baby clothes have pockets?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s interesting how the ads on YouTube never have trouble buffering!<\/p>\n

When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into the ground so they can let me down one last time.<\/p>\n

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.<\/p>\n

When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that...<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>

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Hunting is less challenging for vegans because it\u2019s much easier to sneak up on plants. I was riding a horse yesterday & got thrown off. I thought I was going to die. Thank goodness the Wal-Mart greeter saw what happened & ran over to unplug it… If shampoo = fake + excrement, how in the world […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":6652,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-6673","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6673","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6673"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6673\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6772,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6673\/revisions\/6772"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6652"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6673"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}