{"id":12391,"date":"2017-11-16T07:20:22","date_gmt":"2017-11-16T14:20:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/site\/?page_id=12391"},"modified":"2017-11-16T07:20:23","modified_gmt":"2017-11-16T14:20:23","slug":"steven-wright-volume-4","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/home-3\/quote-corner\/steven-wright\/steven-wright-volume-4\/","title":{"rendered":"Steven Wright Volume 4"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.<\/p>\n

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, \"what for?\"<\/p>\n

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.<\/p>\n

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.<\/p>\n

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.<\/p>\n

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.<\/p>\n

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.<\/p>\n

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.<\/p>\n

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. \"What are you making?\" \"A salt lick.\"<\/p>\n

There aren't enough days in the weekend.<\/p>\n

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.<\/p>\n

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.<\/p>\n

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.<\/p>\n

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.<\/p>\n

Is \"tired old cliche\" one?<\/p>\n

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?<\/p>\n

if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?<\/p>\n

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.<\/p>\n

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.<\/p>\n

The sign said \"eight items or less\". So I changed my name to Les.<\/p>\n

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.<\/p>\n

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.<\/p>\n

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.<\/p>\n

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.<\/p>\n

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.<\/p>\n

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.<\/p>\n

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.<\/p>\n

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.<\/p>\n

I went to a garage sale. \"How much for the garage?\" \"It's not for sale.\"<\/p>\n

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.<\/p>\n

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.<\/p>\n

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. \"You didn't borrow this.\" \"I will.\"<\/p>\n

I had my coathangers spayed.<\/p>\n

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.<\/p>\n

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.<\/p>\n

I went to a fancy french restaurant called \"Deja Vu.\" The headwaiter said, \"Don't I know you?\"<\/p>\n

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.<\/p>\n

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.<\/p>\n

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.<\/p>\n

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.<\/p>\n

I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1\/4 inch thick. We made paneling.<\/p>\n

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, \"I'll be the one in the leather jacket.\" She said, \"I'll be the one drinking sake.\" Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.<\/p>\n

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, \"I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex.\" Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.<\/p>\n

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?<\/p>\n

A metaphor is like a simile.<\/p>\n

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?<\/p>\n

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.<\/p>\n

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.<\/p>\n

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.<\/p>\n

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.<\/p>\n

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.<\/p>\n

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.<\/p>\n

As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.<\/p>\n

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.<\/p>\n

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.<\/p>\n

I bought a portable cable tv.<\/p>\n

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.<\/p>\n

I liked \"Slaughterhouse 5\", but I can't find the first four anywhere.<\/p>\n

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>

\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<< Previous Volume\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t<\/div>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div>
<\/div><\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor. Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?” I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. I took a course […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":6642,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-12391","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/12391","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12391"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/12391\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12393,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/12391\/revisions\/12393"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6642"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12391"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}