{"id":12382,"date":"2017-11-16T07:15:23","date_gmt":"2017-11-16T14:15:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/site\/?page_id=12382"},"modified":"2017-11-16T07:18:32","modified_gmt":"2017-11-16T14:18:32","slug":"steven-wright-volume-2","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/home-3\/quote-corner\/steven-wright\/steven-wright-volume-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Steven Wright Volume 2"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, \"Hey, you have two different colored socks on.\" I said, \"Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.\"<\/p>\n

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.<\/p>\n

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, \"Hey, these records are all blank.\"<\/p>\n

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.<\/p>\n

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.<\/p>\n

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... \"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!\" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.<\/p>\n

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.<\/p>\n

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.<\/p>\n

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.<\/p>\n

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.<\/p>\n

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!<\/p>\n

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (picks up his glass of water from the stool)... I like to live on the edge...<\/p>\n

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.<\/p>\n

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.<\/p>\n

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.<\/p>\n

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.<\/p>\n

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, \"Do you have any toy train schedules?\"<\/p>\n

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.<\/p>\n

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.<\/p>\n

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.<\/p>\n

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.<\/p>\n

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.<\/p>\n

My school colors were clear. We used to say, \"I'm not naked, I'm in the band.\"<\/p>\n

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.<\/p>\n

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, \"What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!\"<\/p>\n

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.<\/p>\n

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.<\/p>\n

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.<\/p>\n

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.<\/p>\n

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.<\/p>\n

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... it wasn't doing what I was doing.<\/p>\n

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.<\/p>\n

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.<\/p>\n

Today I... No, that wasn't me.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I... No, I don't.<\/p>\n

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.<\/p>\n

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.<\/p>\n

What's another word for Thesaurus?<\/p>\n

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?<\/p>\n

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...<\/p>\n

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.<\/p>\n

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.<\/p>\n

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.<\/p>\n

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?<\/p>\n

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.<\/p>\n

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.<\/p>\n

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.<\/p>\n

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.<\/p>\n

I lost a button hole today.<\/p>\n

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.<\/p>\n

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.<\/p>\n

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.<\/p>\n

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.<\/p>\n

I took a baby shower.<\/p>\n

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.<\/p>\n

I was skydiving horizontally.<\/p>\n

I washed mud, off of mud.<\/p>\n

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?<\/p>\n

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?<\/p>\n

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ... \"<\/p>\n

So, do you live around here often?\"<\/p>\n

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.<\/p>\n

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.<\/p>\n

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... boy, were they mad!<\/p>\n

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...<\/p>\n

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>

\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<< Previous Volume\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t<\/div>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div>
\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\tNext Volume >>\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t<\/div>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, “Hey, you have two different colored socks on.” I said, “Yeah, I know, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.” I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":6642,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-12382","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/12382","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12382"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/12382\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12390,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/12382\/revisions\/12390"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6642"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.kirkhalliday.com\/kh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12382"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}