Life is instinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed mostly of lost airline luggage.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
The reason there are so few women polititians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.
An honest polititian is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
They should stop calling Reagan and Gorbechev the two most powerful men in the world. Between the two of them they couldn't bench press one hundred pounds.
Gary Hart is just Jerry Brown without the fruit flies.
Copy from one, it's plagerism; copy from two, it's research.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources. - Author Unknown
You know it's not a good wax museum when there are wicks coming out of the people's heads.
I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. - Author Unknown
The road to Hell is paved with good Samaritans.
American college students are like American colleges - each has half-dulled faculties.
Status Quo - Latin for "The mess you're in!"
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.
In biblical times, a man could have as many wives as he could afford; same as today.
A scandal is a breeze stirred up by a couple of windbags.
A pleasant evening can leave you wondering if you behaved yourself.
An expert is a person who can take something you already know and make it sound confusing.
Car sickness is what occurs when you see how much the new models are costing.
Middle age is when you finally know your way around but don't feel like going.
Prosperity is something that businessmen create for the polititians to take credit for.
Diplomacy is doing and saying the nastiest things in the nicest way.
A camper is a guy who pays a stiff fee for the same sort of uncomfortable accomodations he griped about in the army.
Being fashionable is the art of lookin' as rediculous as everyone else.
It's tough to explain counterclockwise to a person with a digital watch.
A sergeant is a fellow who cusses you out after the army swears you in.
The English language has far more lives than a cat. People have been slaughtering it for years.
Mother Nature never intended for us to pat ourselves on the back. If she had, our hinges woud be different.
Philosophy is a science that enables us to view misfortunes more calmly, thereby enabling us to be unhappy and miserable with the greatest degree of intelligence.
He who kisses and tells is begging for competition.
Anyone who thinks we don't have capital punishment in this country doesn't know how the IRS works.
An employee who laughts at the boss' jokes doesn't necessarily have a sharp sense of humor - but he certainly has a keen sense of direction.
Raising children is a matter of timing. Enjoy your kids while they're young and still on your side.
Money will not help get friends, but it will help you get a higher grade of enemies.
I like rich people. I like how they live. I like how I live when I'm with them.
The longest word in the famous Oxford English Dictionary is Floccinaucinihilipilificication and it means the act or habit of estimating as worthless.
Automobile: A vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
A politician leads an active life. When he isn't straddling an issue, he's dodging one.
Children are natural mimicks. They act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.
Even if rock and roll died tomorrow, it would take 5 years for the sound to die away!
You're living proof that Mother Nature has a sense of humor!
The Golden Rule: He who owns the most gold makes the rules!
Definition: GURU - Good Understanding but Relatively Useless.
Examination of the word EXPERT: EX - A prefix denoting that which once was, but is no longer. SPURT - A drip at high speed.