I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky and say, "Storms Suck!"
The last time I saw him, he was walking down lovers lane holding his own hand.
A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple.
I like young girls because their stories are shorter.
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
I was'nt kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth.
A man is incomplete when he's in love until he's married. Then he's finished.
The trouble with some men is that they get all excited over nothing and then they marry her.
I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
The only difference between a man and a fish, is that when a fish gets hooked, he still has a fighting chance.
The likelihood of one individual being right directly increases proportiontately with the intensity with which others are trying to prove him wrong.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It just wastes your time and annoys the pig.
the only problem with doing nothing is that you can't stop and take a break.
Give me a beautiful sunny day, a set of golf clubs, and a gorgeous golf partner, and you can KEEP the clubs!
The only difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
You can always retake a class, but you can never retake a party.
Dating is like a tug-of war: One big jerk after another.
I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet!
Girls who try to be walking dictionaries should remember that reference books are never checked and taken out!
Tact is the ability to close your mouth before someone else wants to.
Social tact is making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
Always forgive your enemies; Nothing annoys them so much.
Rule of thumb: A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's; she changes it more often.
Girls are like angels - always up in the air, harping, and never an earthly thing to wear!
Remember: The man on top of the mountain didn't just fall there.
Success is the art of making mistakes when no one is around to notice them.
Love is the pleasant interval between meeting a beautiful woman and discovering she looks like a haddock.
Avenge yourself! Live long enough to be a problem to your children!
Next time you consider doing something wrong, look left, look right, and then look up. Then, if no one is watching, GO AHEAD!
Love is a feeling you feel you are feeling you feel when you feel you are feeling a feeling you feel you have never felt before!
Use your head. It's the little things that count!
Thou shalt not steal! The government hates competition!
God created man and then he rested. Then he created woman, and no one's rested since!
Women are as old as they look. Men aren't old until they stop looking!
Love, which is only an episode in the life of a man, is the entire history of a woman's life.
Job wasn't ever really tested - he never had to contend with a stuck zipper!
If we could kick the person who is responsible for most of our troubles, we wouldn't be able to sit down for 6 months!
Middle age is when your clothes no longer fit, and it's you who need the alterations!
I would get better grades, but I tore all the ligaments in my head!
Great and glorious would be the day when education had all the money it needed, and the Air Force had to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber!
The older you get, the faster you ran when you were a kid!
An american woman who respects herself must buy something every day of her life.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments!
Modesty is the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.
Grown-ups never understand anything for themselve, and it is tiresome for children to always and forever be explaining things to them.
I never forget a face, but in your case i'll make an exception!
If you've never seen a real fully-developed look of disgust, jusst watch a woman tell her daughter how she conducted herself when she was a girl.