I used to have a photgraphic memory, but it was never developed...

Hey, bartender, a thousand pints of light! - Second City Players

Nancy Reagan meets Ms. Manners: Just say "No, thank you."

If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!

Save Soviet Jewry---Win Valuable Prizes!

Women libbers are ok. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

Draft beer, not people.

When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Klein bottle for rent---inquire within.

Did you hear about the dislexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

He looked at me at though I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

Half moon tonight. At least it's better than no moon at all.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.

There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear. - Daniel Dennett

Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound! He shoots. HE SCOOORES!

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Detroit: Where the weak are killed and eaten.

We must hang together, gentlemen...else, we shall most assuredly hang separately. - Benjamin Franklin, 1776

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. - Dorothy Parker

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. - Clarence Darrow

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.

Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else. - Bruce Cockburn

Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to hear them. Sometimes they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again.

Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.

Two behaviorists meet in the morning and one says to the other, "You're fine. How am I?"

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Read my Lisp...no new syntax. (nil)

One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. - Robert Firth

The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.

You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you! - Monty Python's Holy Grail

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. - Joe Walsh

Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.

Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened to everyone you know, only more so.

Happiness: The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. - R. Geis

The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!

Hindsight is an exact science.

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.

One planet is all you get.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so you better get used to it.