Hunting is less challenging for vegans because it’s much easier to sneak up on plants.
I was riding a horse yesterday & got thrown off. I thought I was going to die. Thank goodness the Wal-Mart greeter saw what happened & ran over to unplug it...
If shampoo = fake + excrement, how in the world do you get your hair clean?
To all the people who don't think they need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
When I have grandkids, I'm going to show them the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that!
Respect your parents. They made it through high school without Google or Wikipedia.
Whew! Thank you, warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower!
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Man, just think of how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas!
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
You call it beef jerky. I prefer the term "cow raisins"
I’m still kind of ticked-off that they never, ever did tell us how to get to Sesame Street.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply ChapStick.
If you're feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or in your non-dominant hand.
If you play a Ke$ha song backwards, you hear messages from Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you hear Ke$ha.
Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?" 12 people called me...I need smarter friends.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that e-mail to ten people."
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Domino's."
What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or "All About That Bass?"
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they that grew up in the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn't yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted... "Help, I'm in prison!" everyone would be like "Haha good one!"
And all this time I thought Ariana Grande was a drink at Starbucks...
I used to question how much information was too much information. I then joined Facebook, and it's much clearer now!
My retirement plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Do people who run voluntarily know that we're not food anymore?
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser.
If you want to ruin a song forever, use it for your alarm.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft.”
I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can't help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
Why is there a show called "When Animals Attack"? It should be called "When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals."
Facebook should have a limit on how many times a relationship status can be changed... After 3 times, it should default to UNSTABLE!
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Why do baby clothes have pockets?
It’s interesting how the ads on YouTube never have trouble buffering!
When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into the ground so they can let me down one last time.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that...